At what cost

At what cost do we keep holding onto something?
What do you do when your heart wants to hold on but your head says let go?
When is it safe to speak up and put it all on the line?
What are the right things to say and what are the wrong ones?
Follow your heart or your head?
Somebody please tell me....

Image

I've come to notice that some people have this ideal image in their head of the person they want to be with.  And I am not talking about personality wise.  I am talking about in the looks department.  I never really understood that.  Yes I know there are certain types of looks you can be attracted to but that doesn't mean you are going to wind up with the exact image you have in your head.  I don't like to judge based on looks alone.  Personality is what is important and that's the truth.  Looks fade. Remember that.  Attractiveness only goes so far.  If you have a shitty personality you will never be emotionally stable with anyone.

When it comes to feelings I never base it on how attractive someone is.  In fact I can point out all the outside flaws I want but still have the same feelings about the person I did after all that.  If I had an ideal image of what I wanted in a person they would have to look exactly like Justin Timberlake cause he is it for me. Lol.  We all know that's not going to happen.  And I am excited to see who comes into my life that will make me feel like he is my JT even without looking like him.  My feelings are what keep me attracted not the image.  Personality is what keeps people around.

What is this?

I will give you thoughts.  But will there be answers?  Is there a way to avoid getting hurt completely in a less than weary situation.  Maybe to completely avoid the inevitable is not healthy.  That doesn't stop us from avoiding things.  There may be a head on collision in the works.  But where will it leave us?  I can't lose whatever this is but I also cant go on not knowing what this is. 

Holy Grail

"And baby, it's amazing I'm in this maze with you
I just can't crack your code
One day you're screaming you love me loud
the next day you're so cold
one day you're here, one day you're there, one day you care
you're so unfair
Sippin from your cup till it runnith over
Holy Grail..."
-Jay Z and JT

I do believe these lyrics in this song are about fame.  At the same time it reminds me also about love.  It's definitely my jam at the moment.  In fact a cover of it might be in order.  Ha ha.  Just gotta test my rap skills.  Should be fun :p 

I will never understand what's so complicated about love.  You love somebody and they love you back you should just be with them.  It's simple really.  People just choose to make it more complicated than it really is.  And that sucks for the people who want it to not be as complicated. 

On top of that people are obsessed with sex, drugs, and rock and roll.  It's like hey let's see how many people we could sleep with while we're wasted and out of our minds.  It also seems no one is faithful anymore.  All my hope in love is lost.  It's really sad. 

The Mind

The mind is a terrible thing.  I have been doing a lot of reading on unconsciousness.  It seems as though our mind is more aware when we are unconscious than when we are conscious.  When our body is at rest the mind takes over.  You ever wonder what our minds are capable of?  We dream. We think. We function.  We live. We love. I don't know.  Some people think reality is the dream.  That we are all just figment of the imagination.  No one will ever know. Did you know that the brain and the mind are 2 different things? The brain is just a vessel.  It's a part of the body.  You can physically see it or touch it sometimes. Whereas the mind is not seen.  It's transparent.  You can't physically touch your mind.  The mind inhabits the brain.  But where does the mind go when the brain no longer shelters it?  Question everything.  Broaden your knowledge.  Expand the mind.  Know that there is more to what we see everyday.  Be open to the experience.

Anonymous

I found out in recent events that I can't trust people.  I confided in someone and they told others.  Now I wonder what other people know because this person talked too much.  No one will ever tell me the truth.  She twisted my words and they got used against me.  All the good times we had got shot to shit because of what?  It's never going to be the same anymore.  I have to watch what I say.  I have to watch what I do.  Don't lie to me!! Don't lie to anybody!  This cannot be fixed.  I don't know why I try to give people the benefit of the doubt when all they do is screw me.  I am tired of trusting people.  Now they have to prove to me they can be trusted before I even consider giving them my trust.  Whoever is a part of this betrayal should know that I can play the game too.  I can ruin a lot of things.  I can lie.  But guess what...I am not you.  I will never be you.  I will not stoop to that level.  It's not worth my time.  Instead I am going to move on and be a better person.  Be the bigger person.  Lies can only go so far until it blows up in someones face.  The truth always rears it's head.  Maybe you should think about that before you decide to screw good people over.  To those of you who were a part of whatever was said about me, it's called come straight to the source and I will tell you the TRUTH.  Also stop acting like you aren't talking shit either.  Cause we all know you are.  Where do you think I get my info from?  Look at the people around you.  They all talked.  They all confessed.  They all lied.  They all cheated.  I see it's so easy for you to throw away someone that actually gives a damn about her friends.  Yet you're going to keep around the people that would screw you over every chance they got.  How does that make any sense?  Well, it's your loss anyway.  Have fun being miserable cause I am going to move forward and be happy.


Venting brought to you by:
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Knowledge

Do we ever really know what we are doing?  Do we ever really make the right decisions?  How is knowledge gained if we can't learn from certain mistakes that we make?  The smartest people don't even have all the answers.  I guess in retrospect we shouldn't really have all the answers anyway.  If we did, there would be no surprises in life.  Everything would be completely predictable.  Who wants that?  Most people don't want to know what's going to happen next.  That's probably the best way to be.

New Beginning

After every end there is a new beginning.  Time to push forward and be happy.  It's scary but it's suppose to be.  Change is a good thing.  I think it's about time I make it the greatest decision of my life at this point.  No more negativity.  No more losing focus on what really matters.  No more letting other people bring you down.  I want to believe that what's meant to be will be.  So here's hoping.  After today I am going to take a deep breath and let everything go.  Start fresh.  Stop saying I am going to do this or that but actually do it.  I have to stop compromising myself for situations I have no control over.  Focus on living life and being happy with myself.  If I don't do that I will never be happy.  I realize that now.  Hopefully I could make moves to change that.  Don't hold back.  Be strong. 

Just a little advice...

Every day is a new day.  So why not do something new everyday.  Do something you have always wanted to but never got a chance to.  Make a list and follow through.  You will be happy you took the time.

If you are passionate about something or want to stand up for what you believe in, do it.  Take charge and make a positive difference in the world around you.  Open people's eyes and minds to different possibilities.  In turn you make also open up your mind even more.

Don't sweat the small stuff.  It's not worth stressing over.  There are bigger things in life to worry about.  So let go of the excess baggage.  Trust me you will feel a lot better and lighter when you shed it off your shoulders.

Shut Off

How does one shut off there emotions?  If you ask me it's extremely hard.  Unless you are a vampire from Vampire Diaries where you can just switch it off.  But even then the emotions still come back to haunt you. It's hard to act like you don't care when clearly you do.  Though sometimes you are forced to have to close off because other people have "issues."

This happens far too much in my life.  It's always been when I really want someone, I can't have them.  It's getting old.  I don't know how much longer it can be tolerated.  My heart can't take much more of this.  I care too much about people and my relationships with them.  I have no idea how to not care.  One day that mere fact may destroy me.  That is, if it hasn't already. 

My situation requires a lot more communication than it's getting.  But how does one go about having a serious conversation without compromising the current situation in a negative way?  I know eventually it will blow up in someones face.  Well I don't want it to blow up.  I just want answers.  And it's better to have them now rather than later, right?

Oh Boy

Oh boy...rough weekend.  Let's start over.  Clean slate.  Just a thought to anyone out there reading this...Eff it! Let's make the rest of the summer epic!

Change

It's official.  Moving on from something you have invested in for quite some time can be hard.  It can also be a step in the right direction.  Change isn't easy but it can be worth it.  If we can help it, we should always move forward in life not back. 

I am letting go of something I have been hanging onto for quite some time.  It was something I was so use to so I held on to it.  But I held on longer than I should have.  Now letting go is definitely emotional but I know it's the right decision.  It wasn't what I wanted in my life so it's time to go after what I truly want.  Or I should say, what I truly NEED.

I really feel like I am finally getting the courage to do what I have been meaning to do for so long.  I am taking bigger steps and it feels good.  I don't need to just settle for what I am use to.  I need to stare my fears right in the face and push through them.  I need to experience things I have never experienced before.  I need to make it all worth investing my time in.  I need this change and it starts NOW.

Actually it technically started yesterday haha...  

If you need to make a change in your life, do it.  No matter how scary it gets you should at least try.  You don't need to spend your life with too many 'what ifs.'  You need your life to have more 'I tried' or 'I did it.'  Success isn't easy but when you reach your goal, all you go through to get there will be well worth it.

Relationships

Why do we put ourselves in situations that tend to torture us.  It's like we know it's a bad situation yet we can't help but hold on hoping it changes as time goes by. 

Will it ever change.  I know I have been making bad decisions.  But I just want to be bad.  It's like having an addiction.  I can't let it go.  Not yet at least.  My heart holds on to the possibility, while my head says run.  Well maybe not run but definitely take a step back. 

I don't know how to handle this or what to do.  There's too much history there.  That's what makes it complicated.  Well it's not complicated for me because I know what I want at this point.  The other party on the other hand confusing as hell.

Let me tell you something.  When you're young you just want to party and sleep with anybody. When you get older relationships have different meanings. At least from my experience.  I definitely don't mind being single at the moment.  You can do whatever you want.  You don't have to answer to anyone.  You don't have to feel guilty if you sleep around.  You can date around and see what's out there.  But how long can you really be that way until it takes its toll.  You have your fun for a while.  Then you just start to feel lonely.  You wonder if your worthy to be in a relationship.  You think about the future and maybe starting a family.  All these questions pop up.  So again it's nice to be single but at the same time it would be nice to have someone to grow old with.  Someone who will still love you when your youth is gone.  Someone you can tolerate for the rest of your life.

I am in a situation where I want to be with someone but that someone skirts around the idea.  I feel like I am in an older state of mind than he is.  This is the most difficult situation I have ever been in.  And honestly I don't know what to do.  I know what I want but I don't have a choice but to sit back and let it be.  If I say what I need to say it might turn into a huge disaster and I could lose one of my best friends.  That's why I don't say anything.  I have to sit back and be tortured.  Possibly see him with other girls as he pushes me aside. It breaks my heart.

Why hold onto a person that keeps breaking your heart?  I wish I knew the answer to that.  The heart wants what the heart wants.  We can't help the way we feel.   

Private

So I am thinking that some things should be kept private.  Over the past few months I have been spilling my guts out to friends about a certain situation I am in.  Now I think that may have been a mistake.  I think I just got so excited and caught up in it that I couldn't keep it to myself.  It was all I talked about.  It consumed my thoughts so I felt like I had to let it all out. It seemed like a good idea at the time. Whatever.  Can't go back and change it now. So this time around I am going to try to keep my situation more private.  If I don't reveal a lot maybe it will be less stressful and easier to handle.  I feel like if I do that then things may work out better. Talking too much about it has only made it worse.  It's kind of like hyping up a movie so much but when you actually go see it, it winds up sucking.  Haha.  So no more hype, no more drama, just let it flow.  Keep it private.  It's better off that way.

Health

Let's face it. For a lot of us in today's society its very hard to be health conscious.  There are way too many unhealthy toxins out there that people just can't get enough of.   So when trying to be health savvy it is very hard to stick with it unless you have been healthy for most of your life. 

I have learned that if you want something done you have to do it yourself.  I wish I could hire a nutritionist and personal trainer to tell me what to do with how to eat and exercise.  Unless you make a lot of money it isn't happening.  So you have to take matters into your own hands. 

Some tips for a healthy start:
Stay away from fast food.
Limit bread intake.
Eliminate sodas and other sugary drinks.
Drink plenty of water.
Don't over eat.
Portion your meals.
Exercise everyday.  Even if it's just a walk around the block, it helps.

Now I am definitely not an health expert but I'm trying to learn more everyday.  It's all about will power.  You want to be healthy and in shape then take the steps to get yourself there.  It's probably not as hard as you think. In time when you see and feel results you will feel like a new person. 

Why

Why can't people want what they CAN have instead of what they CAN'T have?  I get it that sometimes the pursuit can be fun. But if you actually do get it, the majority of the time you find out you never really wanted it in the first place. What you realize is you actually wanted what you could have already had. Usually by the time that happens it's too late and you completely lost the best thing you could have ever had.

You

I am starting to realize more and more that you can't be truly happy with another person until you are truly happy with yourself.  You have to be happy with your own life.  You have to be confident and comfortable in your own skin.

I am not the most confident person.  No bueno.  Here is why.  Everywhere I look I always compare myself to other people.  I always think other women are much prettier than I am.  This has been for most of my life. I don't like the way I look.  That has to change.  I can't spend my days not being confident in my own skin.

Comparing yourself to others is probably one of the worst things you can do to yourself.  It just brings you down. Makes you feel like less than you are.  No one person looks exactly alike. You are your own unique YOU.  Be who are and love who you are. Don't worry about what other people think.  The ones that matter will love you no matter what.  The ones that don't aren't worth having in your life.

Weird

So you know the feeling when you're having like the best time ever and you don't want it to end?  Had that feeling last night, but unfortunately it had to end due to the fact I had work at 8:30 the next morning.  I really thought I would have had a major hangover but for some reason I woke up refreshed.  Which is also weird because I didn't get much sleep.  I might still be drunk right now as we speak.  Feeling a little too happy this morning and I am not a morning person whatsoever.  Just felt like sharing.  Weird.

Tell Me

How is anybody going to know anything if nobody says anything or asks questions??  Can anyone say elephant in the room?

I am the type of person who would rather put it all out on the table and not hold it in.  I need to say what I gotta say and would like people to do the same.  It's hard to function when you have to hold it all in because the other person doesn't let it all out. 

I understand people have their own way of doing things but it's just getting to me a little bit.  Just tell me! Haha

Tell me how you feel.
Tell me what you know.
Tell me what you want.
Tell me what you don't want.
Tell me your hopes and dreams.
Tell me you need me.
Tell me you don't need me.
Tell me if I am wasting my time.
Tell me if it's worth it to wait.

It's all just a long list of unanswered questions.  I know they say some things are better left unsaid but in this case say something.

The Story I Wrote

I was looking back at the story I wrote, Through Sophie's Eyes.  I realized it's strangely ironic that this story is somewhat unfolding in my real life right now.  It doesn't have every detail, of course, but it's pretty damn close.  Only the real life version may not have a happy ending.  The ending is still pending.  Why does everything have to be so complicated?  It's a lot more simple than everyone makes it.  You love somebody, they love you back, you take that chance and be together. 

I know what I want but does he?  I will sit here and question every single detail about every single thing that goes on.  But I will never know the answers because he doesn't tell me anything.  Give it time they say.  See how it pans out they say.  It will all work out the way it's suppose to they say.  Patience may be a virtue but honestly how long can a person wait before they completely go mad. 

All I know about the situation is that it's hard to find what me and this friend have.  Everyone should be able to fall in love with their best friend.  Now I am not saying I am IN love with my best friend but at this moment it's pretty damn close.  But I don't think he feels the same way.  He cares about me but he's "confused."  Go figure.

Anyways back to my point about how everyone should fall in love with their best friend...here is why.
It's simple. Stating the obvious, they are your BEST FRIEND.  You can talk to them about anything.  They know you inside out.  They accept you for who you are.  They know your every flaw, every pet peeve, just every part of you and still stick around.  They know how to deal with you.  They know when your sad or happy.  They know how to make you laugh.  They know how to annoy you. They know when to fight with you or when to back off and leave you alone.  They know how to work it out with you.  They get you.  They understand you.  They encourage you, believe in you, and genuinely love you.  I can go on and on and on but you get the point.

I want somebody to love.  I want someone to be happy with.  I want someone to laugh with and cry with.  I want someone to fight with and make up with.  Someone that will accept me for every inch of me.  Someone to love unconditionally.  I want to tell someone I love you without any hesitation. And I want them to feel the same way about me.  I want a future, a family, and a messy but great life to share with someone.  Where can I find that?  I was hoping it was already here but again it's still pending.

Love is finding someone you can tolerate for the rest of your life.

Wish me luck and good luck to you as well.

I Knew

I knew things would start to get better.  What a difference a day makes.  I am already starting to feel better about a lot of things just by the mere fact of changing my attitude and perspective.  Things are definitely looking up.

I have decided to start really focusing on my passion these days,  which is songwriting.  I am also getting an acoustic band together.  Feels good.  I also want to start being more healthy because I realize that the healthier I am physically the healthier I am mentally.

It's the little things that make the biggest differences in your life.  Like I said before, start small and you will see a difference right away.  Don't let your fears bring you down.  Make the change no matter how scary.  it will be worth it!

Smile

It would be great to just run and hide from everything and everyone.  Just to have alone time to figure things out.  That's not happening.  There's too much going on.  Too much to leave behind. But it's nice to think about.  Maybe go to the beach, stick my toes in the sand, take a breather.  Clear my head.  All and all everyone needs a chance reevaluate.  At some point we all need to figure out what our lives should be like for us to be happy.  If you ever feel like everything is going wrong and nothings going to get better take a breather.  Take some time to figure out what you need to do differently to get through everything.  Figure the steps you need to take.  Right them down if you have to.  There are always different choices you can make everyday.  Start small and slowly but surely things will get better if you let them.  Let go of the bad and embrace the good.  Start anew.  I myself decided to reevaluate.  Just thinking about it puts a smile on my face.  So you can imagine how great it would be to adhere to some of those life changes.  There is never a reason to not be happy.  So do your part. BE HAPPY.  Live life the way you want it.  Don't hesitate. Take chances. Make a difference. Whatever you have to do, do it!  Be amazing! Smile! make other people smile! Anything you can think of just do it!

Who Knows

I know this isn't going anywhere. So essentially all I am really doing is venting into mid air.  But it helps so. 

Maybe it's time to reevaluate everything.  What's going on, what I am doing, how I really feel.  I am most definitely lost.  Been that way for quite some time.  I don't know why it's so hard for me to do what I need to do to make things better.  It shouldn't be this hard.  My fears just always get in the way.  Fear of the unknown.  Fear of failing.  Fear of disappointing people. Fear of getting my heart completely broken. 

I have realized over the past few months that I try to make other people happy  more than I try to make myself happy.  I also realized you can't satisfy everyone even if you really want to.  I don't want to be selfish but I also can't be selfless.  There has to be a balance or else no one will be happy. 

It's been really hard keeping up these days.  I work 2 part time jobs 6 days a week and got bills to pay.  I feel as thought I am getting paid with m&ms.  My days are molding together so much that I can't tell a Monday from a Friday anymore.  I have been in a financial struggle for years now.  You would think I'd get the hint to push forward and fight for a career that actually matters to me.  We'll see.

Love.  It sucks.  It hurts. I have never been one to struggle in love but this time around it's complicated.  It's not complicated because of me but it's complicated because of him. I keep going back and forth on how I feel because he's playing stupid childish games.  I don't know how else to deal with this but to confront him as my adult self and hope for the best. 

I'm tired of waiting for something to happen but somehow I still wait.  I know what the right things to do are but I just don't do them.  Maybe just maybe I should change it up and do what's right for ME.  Forget everybody else.  I need to get my shit together and then maybe everything else will fall into place. 

Games

I will never understand why people play games.  Games are for kids.  People just can't be real with each other anymore.  For once I want someone to just tell me what is going on.  Tell me what's real.  Tell me what the deal is.  Tell me how you feel.  Tell me what you're thinking.  Be honest and straight forward.  Stop being childish and be a grown up.  When you're an adult there is no need for these stupid games.  I am an adult. I will tell you the truth.  I will be straight forward.  I will be honest.  I would hope everyone would do the same for each other.  Don't get stuck in a situation that is unresolved.  Do what you have to do to make things right even if that means sacrificing a part of yourself. Don't put off the inevitable. In the end it will all be worth it.

Just Be

I want to make something of myself.  Doesn't everybody?  I just don't know where to begin.  How do you access a life that you crave that is so unattainable?  It's like you need step by step instructions.  I wish it was that easy.  If I had something or someone guiding me in the right direction I would probably have accomplished something by now.  But I have learned over the years that is not possible.  You are your own guidance.  You have to make the moves to get to where you want to be.  You have to push yourself.  No one is going to do it for you.  You can't rely on anyone but yourself to get things done.  It's unfortunate but true.

What do you do when you feel like your dreams are better than actual reality?  Make your dreams your reality.  I don't want to feel like I sleep more than I live.  I want to feel like I have LIVED.  It's time to wake up.  Push aside what you think you know.  Dive into the unknown.  Learn as much as you can.  Do as much as you can.  Live as much as you can and do it NOW.  Now is the time.  Make things happen.  You will never regret the good things you accomplish in life especially if there is an obstacle threatening to tear you down and you push through it.  Be proud. Be HAPPY.  Just BE.