Tuesday, June 4, 2013


Why do we put ourselves in situations that tend to torture us.  It's like we know it's a bad situation yet we can't help but hold on hoping it changes as time goes by. 

Will it ever change.  I know I have been making bad decisions.  But I just want to be bad.  It's like having an addiction.  I can't let it go.  Not yet at least.  My heart holds on to the possibility, while my head says run.  Well maybe not run but definitely take a step back. 

I don't know how to handle this or what to do.  There's too much history there.  That's what makes it complicated.  Well it's not complicated for me because I know what I want at this point.  The other party on the other hand confusing as hell.

Let me tell you something.  When you're young you just want to party and sleep with anybody. When you get older relationships have different meanings. At least from my experience.  I definitely don't mind being single at the moment.  You can do whatever you want.  You don't have to answer to anyone.  You don't have to feel guilty if you sleep around.  You can date around and see what's out there.  But how long can you really be that way until it takes its toll.  You have your fun for a while.  Then you just start to feel lonely.  You wonder if your worthy to be in a relationship.  You think about the future and maybe starting a family.  All these questions pop up.  So again it's nice to be single but at the same time it would be nice to have someone to grow old with.  Someone who will still love you when your youth is gone.  Someone you can tolerate for the rest of your life.

I am in a situation where I want to be with someone but that someone skirts around the idea.  I feel like I am in an older state of mind than he is.  This is the most difficult situation I have ever been in.  And honestly I don't know what to do.  I know what I want but I don't have a choice but to sit back and let it be.  If I say what I need to say it might turn into a huge disaster and I could lose one of my best friends.  That's why I don't say anything.  I have to sit back and be tortured.  Possibly see him with other girls as he pushes me aside. It breaks my heart.

Why hold onto a person that keeps breaking your heart?  I wish I knew the answer to that.  The heart wants what the heart wants.  We can't help the way we feel.   

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