Thursday, May 16, 2013

Who Knows

I know this isn't going anywhere. So essentially all I am really doing is venting into mid air.  But it helps so. 

Maybe it's time to reevaluate everything.  What's going on, what I am doing, how I really feel.  I am most definitely lost.  Been that way for quite some time.  I don't know why it's so hard for me to do what I need to do to make things better.  It shouldn't be this hard.  My fears just always get in the way.  Fear of the unknown.  Fear of failing.  Fear of disappointing people. Fear of getting my heart completely broken. 

I have realized over the past few months that I try to make other people happy  more than I try to make myself happy.  I also realized you can't satisfy everyone even if you really want to.  I don't want to be selfish but I also can't be selfless.  There has to be a balance or else no one will be happy. 

It's been really hard keeping up these days.  I work 2 part time jobs 6 days a week and got bills to pay.  I feel as thought I am getting paid with m&ms.  My days are molding together so much that I can't tell a Monday from a Friday anymore.  I have been in a financial struggle for years now.  You would think I'd get the hint to push forward and fight for a career that actually matters to me.  We'll see.

Love.  It sucks.  It hurts. I have never been one to struggle in love but this time around it's complicated.  It's not complicated because of me but it's complicated because of him. I keep going back and forth on how I feel because he's playing stupid childish games.  I don't know how else to deal with this but to confront him as my adult self and hope for the best. 

I'm tired of waiting for something to happen but somehow I still wait.  I know what the right things to do are but I just don't do them.  Maybe just maybe I should change it up and do what's right for ME.  Forget everybody else.  I need to get my shit together and then maybe everything else will fall into place. 

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